| [acolyte55] Thursday, August 26, 2010 1:27:55 PM | |
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| a blonde , a priest, a rabbi , and a midget walk into a bar , the bartender looks at them and says " what is this, some kind of f@##*&g joke!!!! |
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| [_strat_] Thursday, August 26, 2010 12:49:47 PM | |
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| [icecreamman] Wednesday, August 18, 2010 6:31:01 PM | |
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The Final Frontier!
Get it? |
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| [spapad] Monday, March 15, 2010 6:39:12 PM | |
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Oh my God, poor Dog! lol
[Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by spiderpig from Monday, March 15, 2010 11:20:12 AM)| |  | spiderpig wrote: | | A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
"What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is.."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can..
Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?" |
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| [Head banger] Monday, March 15, 2010 5:49:02 PM | |
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Awesome.
[Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by spiderpig from Monday, March 15, 2010 11:20:12 AM)| | | spiderpig wrote: | | A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
"What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is.."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can..
Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?" |
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| [Painkiller87] Monday, March 15, 2010 12:37:00 PM | |
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LOL! That is what you get when you deal with Tequila!
[Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by spiderpig from Monday, March 15, 2010 11:20:12 AM)| | | spiderpig wrote: | | A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
"What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is.."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can..
Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?" |
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| [spiderpig] Monday, March 15, 2010 11:20:12 AM | |
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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
"What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is.."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can..
Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?" |
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| [Budred] Monday, February 22, 2010 4:45:59 PM | |
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Does anyone know what a "Yankee" is? 
Same thing as a "Quickee" only you do it yourself! 
Edited at: Monday, February 22, 2010 4:50:02 PM |
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| [jaybone] Friday, February 19, 2010 8:19:35 AM | |
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| A HORSE WALKS INTO A BAR AND SAYS, " HEY BARTENDER , GIVE ME DOUBLE ". THE BARTENDER SAYS " YOU BET , BUT WHAT 'S WITH THE LONG FACE ? " |
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| [musicgirl] Tuesday, December 22, 2009 9:37:36 PM | |
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| Head banger ...that is a funny joke.. I will have to tell that one at work. |
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| [Head banger] Sunday, November 29, 2009 8:16:19 PM | |
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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene : What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene : Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any drug store.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted. |
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| [spapad] Wednesday, November 18, 2009 9:33:45 PM | |
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Good one Ice! LOL
[Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by icecreamman from Wednesday, November 18, 2009 9:28:29 PM)| | | icecreamman wrote: | | I have Joke.....
Metallica!!!! |
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| [guidogodoy] Wednesday, November 18, 2009 9:31:35 PM | |
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HAAAAAAA!!!!!! Made ME laugh! 
[Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by icecreamman from Wednesday, November 18, 2009 9:28:29 PM)| | | icecreamman wrote: | | I have Joke.....
Metallica!!!! |
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| [icecreamman] Wednesday, November 18, 2009 9:28:29 PM | |
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I have Joke.....
Metallica!!!! |
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| [AngelEyes666] Wednesday, September 30, 2009 10:41:30 PM | |
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| [This message has been banned] |
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| [Head banger] Friday, August 28, 2009 9:54:37 AM | |
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outstanding.
[Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by spiderpig from Friday, August 28, 2009 9:09:17 AM)| | | spiderpig wrote: | | Here's a couple classics...
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A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep, you idiot".
The man says, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!"
--------------------------------------A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
He enquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
'Get in line.'
Edited at: Friday, August 28, 2009 9:20:36 AM |
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| [spiderpig] Friday, August 28, 2009 9:09:17 AM | |
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Here's a couple classics...
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A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep, you idiot".
The man says, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!"
--------------------------------------A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
He enquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
'Get in line.'
Edited at: Friday, August 28, 2009 9:20:36 AM |
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| [Painkiller87] Thursday, August 27, 2009 12:14:54 PM | |
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LOL Sick but hilarious!
[Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by spiderpig from Thursday, August 27, 2009 10:45:01 AM)| | | spiderpig wrote: | | CHINESE SICK LEAVE :'I NO COME WORK TODAY!'
Hung Chow calls into work and says,'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says,'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything
better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.'I do what you
say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........You got
nice house' |
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| [spiderpig] Thursday, August 27, 2009 10:45:01 AM | |
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CHINESE SICK LEAVE :'I NO COME WORK TODAY!'
Hung Chow calls into work and says,'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says,'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything
better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.'I do what you
say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........You got
nice house' |
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| [Vaillant 3.0] Thursday, August 20, 2009 8:43:08 PM | |
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Glad you all enjoyed it!!!!  |
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