| [velvet_liselle] Friday, May 20, 2011 10:27:55 AM | |
|
Your New PC (Pussy Cat)
Specifications:
Standard Input: Bilateral frontal whisker array
Bilateral adjustable audio dishes (range: 20-20,000Hz)
Stereoscopic scanning device w/night vision
Velcro(tm) flavor sampling device/energy collector
Odor sampling devices (2)
Standard Output:
Internally mounted purrbox
Single speaker with separate growl mode
Rear-mounted, fully-jointed semaphore device
Processor:
Parallel neuron array with Random Access Memory and
Autonomic control of system software
Included Hardware:
Calcium-based skeletal structure
Byte-to-bit conversion array
Retractable Document shredder/Hole-punch
Pawpad printer
Mouse (Standard Catnip)
Also included:
natural-fiber protective covering in various colors
System software:
your PC will come preloaded with one of the following:
DOS (DOmestic Shorthair)
OS (Other Shorthair)
DLH (DOmestic Longhair)
MS (MegaSoft, installed in units with fuzzy covering)
Conversion to Eunuchs (UNIX) can be done by a simple operation.
This is recommended to prevent the proliferation of cheap PC
clones.
Bundled software:
May include the following:
Mortal Kombat
Acrobat
Explorer
Stuffit Expander
Your PC will automatically convert from laptop to desktop as
needed. There are no user-servicable parts inside.
Operating your PC:
To start up your PC, push the power button (on any electric can
opener)
Your PC has an energy-saving mode known as Sleep. Your PC
will Sleep automatically if unused for a short period of time, or
you may invoke
Sleep mode by placing your PC in a soft, warm area. To wake
your PC from Sleep, you may press the power button as in Start,
shake the mouse, or tap any of the PC's input devices (see
specs).
To perform a warm boot:
Remove your shoe, then tap the PC gently with your toes.
To perform a cold boot:
Same technique as for warm boot, but leave your shoe on.
To reboot: Repeat the warm boot.
Cleaning your PC:
Use only mild soap and water, no solvents. Surface wash only.
Total immersion is not recommended. If partial immersion is
necessary, wear proper hand and face protection and make sure
your PC is fully dry when finished.
Compatability and networking:
Your PC is designed to independently assess compatability with
other PCs. Running Eunuchs will generally give your PC greater
compatability with other PCs. It may be necessary to install a
firewall between incompatable PCs as each may attempt to
breach the other's security systems. Compatable PCs may
share thermal energy and cleaning tasks and may network for
gaming purposes.
Please note that your PC will be incompatable with units of type
BIRD and FISH unless appropriate security measures (such as
a firewall) are installed. Your PC may tolerate one or more DOG
units provided they occupy a subordinate position within the
heirarchical structure.
Power requirements:
Alternating supply of canned cat food and dry cat food
Direct supply of water
Direct access to solar and thermal energy sources
Troubleshooting:
PC HAS DIFFICULTY EXITING:
Perform a warm boot.
PC SHARES FILES FROM DINNER/TABLE/PLATES WITHOUT
PERMISSION:
Boot your PC prior to running food-related software.
PC HANGS UP PHONE DURING CONNECTION TO ISP:
Try invoking sleep mode prior to connecting to ISP. Otherwise,
perform a warm boot.
PC IS FROZEN:
PC is probably scanning for small life forms. Reboot until it
responds.
|
|
| [velvet_liselle] Friday, May 20, 2011 9:29:48 AM | |
|
I hope I won't make too many mistakes in the vocabulary in the joke, I'm not into golf...
.
Rules of the bedroom golfing
A player has to have his own equipment - a club and two balls.
A game commences after receiving permission from the owner of the hole.
The aim of the game is to put the club into the hole, leaving the balls outside. The proper club has to be stiff, the owner of the hole has the right to verify it. The owner of the course has to right to limit the lenght of the club to prevent damanging the hole.
The player is to introduce the club into the hole as many times as possible until the owner of the course is satisfied. Leaving the owner of the course dissastisfied may result in not getting permission for future game. It's considered against the rules to start playing immediately after arriving at the course. Experienced players devote a lot of time for admiring it. A lot of attention should be paid to the magnificent undulating landscape.
Players shouldn't describe other courses they play or played at to the owner of the course they play at a given moment. The owner can get pissed of and damage the equipment of the player.
Every player should know that the course is not always available for playing at. Some of them may feel unhappy to find out the course is temporarily unplayable, advanced bedroom golfers usually pllay an alternative game on the nineth back hole. However, a permission from the owner of the course is required if such is the case.
Rules of the game recommend playing slowly, however the player should be ready to speed up if such is the wish of the owner of the course.
I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I did |
|
| [velvet_liselle] Thursday, May 19, 2011 3:57:50 PM | |
|
Women's revenge for all jokes about blondes
1.. Penis resembles a dog
- hangs around between the legs
- likes petting
- when the master is happy so is he
2.. Why do men like marrying virgins?
- To avoid criticism.
3.. How can you tell a man is excited?
- He's breathing
4. What would a world without men look like?
- It would be full of fat and happy women.
5.. What do you call a man that had 90% of the brain cut off?
- A eunuch. .
6.. Why does a penis have a hole at the end?
- For the oxygen to reach the brain..
7.. How does a man prepare a bubble bath?
-He eat a lot of beans before taking it.
8.. What does a 7-course meal mean for a man?
- A hot dog and a six-pack of beer
9.. What does a man who tells you to stop hoovering and to relax really mean?
- Most probably he can't hear the TV over the noise of the hoover
10.. What's a difference between a man and a computer?
- It's enough to give ONE command to the computer.
11.. What do a man in bed and a microwaved food have in common
- 30 seconds and it's ready
12.. What's a difference between a bub and a clitoris?
- Most men know how to find a pub.
13.. How to make a man happy in bedroom?
- Move the tv there
|
|
| [velvet_liselle] Thursday, May 19, 2011 1:35:50 PM | |
|
Two blondes are watching a porno movie. When it finishes one asks anohter"
- Why are you crying?
- I thought they would get married.
***************************
A bench in a park, a woman's voice: Johny, take off your glasses, you'll rip my tights. After awhile the same voice: Johny, put the glasses back on, now you're licking the bench!
****************************
A bunny enters a pharmacy:
- 200 condoms, please
The assistant hands over the condoms and says:
- Sorry, I'm afraid we only have 199
The bunny frowns, looks reproachfully at the assistant:
-ok, I'll take them, but you fucked up my entire night.
.
|
|
| [velvet_liselle] Thursday, May 19, 2011 3:34:51 AM | |
|
On Christmas Eve morning a wife woke up her husband at 9am.
- Steve, wake up, Steve, there's no butter at home. Get up and go to the supermarket.
- But I don't know where to find butter in the supermarket.
- You'll enter, there are frigdes opposite the cash tills, that's where you'll find butter. Go.
So he got up and got dressed and went shopping. He did exactly as his wife told him to do, found the butter and proceeded to pay. But there in the queue to the cash till was standing a gorgeous lassie. Steve started to chat to her and tell her jokes and she suddenly suggested going to her place. They did and had sex. After a lusty afternoon Steve wakes up and sees it's already 8pm. He jumps out of her bed and asks the lassie:
- Do you have flour?
- Yes, I do.
- Can you bring some and sprinkle it on my hands?
She does and Steve goes home.
At home his wife opens the door for him, pissed off, and requires the explanation. Steve says:
- Honey, it was like that. I went to to supermarket. I took butter outof that frigde and went to pay for it. But there in the queue there was a gorgeous lassie and we started chatting and then she invited me to her place to have sex. I spent all afternoon with her.
The wife listens calmly and then says with impatience in her voice:
- Show me your hands.
Steves shows his flour covered hands:
- Bullshit, Steve, you went bowling again!
|
|
| [velvet_liselle] Wednesday, May 18, 2011 1:09:32 PM | |
|
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, 'I'm off. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to....'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in. 'I've been expecting you.'
'Really?' the photographer asked. 'Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.'
'That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.'
'Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'I hope we can get this over with quickly,' gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.'
'Don't I know!!' exclaimed Mrs. Smith.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.'
'Oh, my God!' said Mrs. Smith, tugging at her handkerchief.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.'
'Four and five deep?' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
'Yes,' the photographer said. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'You mean they actually chewed on your, er..,um.., ah.... equipment?'
'That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.'
'Tripod??' Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
'Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.'
'Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted...' |
|
| [velvet_liselle] Wednesday, May 18, 2011 1:03:25 PM | |
|
Morning. A very hungover student is standing in front of a mirror and looking at the reflection. Finaly he says:
- I don't know you... I will shave you anyway.
|
|
| [thekissofjudas] Wednesday, May 18, 2011 12:52:59 PM | |
|
lol lol lol 
[Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by velvet_liselle from Wednesday, May 18, 2011 12:49:13 PM)| |  | velvet_liselle wrote: | | There was a guy who had a 50cm dick. As he thought that no woman would want him so big he decided to take care of the problem. So he want to a witch and she told him to go to the forest. There in the middle of the forest he was supposed to find a big rock and a frog sitting on it. He was to ask it a question that the frog would answer with a no, then his dick would get 10cm shorter. so he went there and askee the frog
- Froggie, will you kiss me?
The froggie replies
- No!
10 cm shorter, the guy almost decides to come back home but then he thins 40 cm is still too much.
- Froggie, will you kiss me?
- !No!
So now having a 30cm dick the guy thinks that 20 cm would be just fine.
- Froggie, will you kiss me?
- No, no and once again no!
|
|
|
| [velvet_liselle] Wednesday, May 18, 2011 12:49:13 PM | |
|
There was a guy who had a 50cm dick. As he thought that no woman would want him so big he decided to take care of the problem. So he want to a witch and she told him to go to the forest. There in the middle of the forest he was supposed to find a big rock and a frog sitting on it. He was to ask it a question that the frog would answer with a no, then his dick would get 10cm shorter. so he went there and askee the frog
- Froggie, will you kiss me?
The froggie replies
- No!
10 cm shorter, the guy almost decides to come back home but then he thins 40 cm is still too much.
- Froggie, will you kiss me?
- !No!
So now having a 30cm dick the guy thinks that 20 cm would be just fine.
- Froggie, will you kiss me?
- No, no and once again no!
|
|
| [velvet_liselle] Wednesday, May 18, 2011 12:03:10 PM | |
|
Two nuns, sister Mathematica and sister Logic are strolling in a park close to the convent. It's late and it's getting dark.
SM: Have you noticed that man who's been following us. Who knows what he wants...
SL: It's logical, he wants to rape us.
SM: Oh my God, he's getting closer, he'll be on us in 5:18. What shall we do?
SL: The only logical solution is to walk faster.
SM: Oh my God, it didn't help.
SL: Of course, he started to walk faster either.
SM: Oh my God, he'll be on us in 1:44
SL: Ok, the only logical solution now is to spit up. You go right, I'll go left. He can't follow both of us.
The man decides to follow the sister Logica
The sister Mathematica reaches the safety of the convent, but she's very concerned about the other one,who returns several minutes latere.
SM: Finally, sister. My God, tell me what has happened.
SL: Logically he could have followed only one of us and he chose me.
SM: (a bit pissed off) Yes, I know, and what happened later?
SL: I was runnung faster and so was he.
SM: And then?
SL: Logically, he finally caught me.
SM: Oh my God, so what did you do.
SL: The only logical thing - I raised my frock up.
M: Oh my God, and what did he do?
SL:! Logically - he slid down his trousers.
SM: Oh Jesus Christ! What has happened?
SL: It's logical, a nun with her frock raised up can run faster than a man with his trousers round his ankles.
|
|
| [velvet_liselle] Wednesday, May 18, 2011 11:44:08 AM | |
|
Sally's mum comes to Andy's father and says:
- Your son played doctor and patient with my daugher yesterday
- Well, it's understandable, kids at this age are attracted to the opposite sex, so certain things are ...
- It would have been much better if he just had shagged her. He took her appendix out!!!
|
|
| [vanessa JudasReis] Wednesday, May 18, 2011 11:32:58 AM | |
|
Thanks Velvet Liselle . I'm gonna pick up a few pairs of tights. Woo-hoo!!
|
|
| [velvet_liselle] Wednesday, May 18, 2011 6:38:34 AM | |
|
A man and a woman after a hot one night stand action, they're sweaty and exhausted. He says to her:
- Honey, if I had known you were a virgin I would have been more delicate.
she replies:
- If I had known you were so randy I would have taken off my tights.
A wife enters the bathroom when her husband is masturbating in the shower.
- What are you doing? - She's scandalized.
A husband's not embarrassed:
- It's my body and I'll wash it as fast as I want.
|
|
| [velvet_liselle] Tuesday, May 17, 2011 6:00:34 PM | |
|
|
| [velvet_liselle] Tuesday, May 17, 2011 3:34:48 AM | |
|
|
| [velvet_liselle] Monday, May 16, 2011 6:08:14 AM | |
|
|
| [velvet_liselle] Monday, May 16, 2011 6:07:02 AM | |
|
|
| [velvet_liselle] Sunday, May 15, 2011 5:02:24 PM | |
|
|
| [velvet_liselle] Saturday, May 14, 2011 4:21:22 PM | |
|
Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"
"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!" |
|
| [velvet_liselle] Friday, May 13, 2011 9:40:12 AM | |
|
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Before you start thinking about something naughty;) this refers to wine tasting |
|
