| [~ MG_Metalgoddess~] Monday, January 05, 2009 8:50:11 PM | |
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| [adrianaec_88] Monday, January 05, 2009 8:49:00 PM | |
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| [adrianaec_88] Sunday, January 04, 2009 9:18:18 PM | |
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Lmao! I would have to disagree ....Named Tiffany. –20 Tiffany is a dancer. –40 
[Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by Darth_Painkiller_0870 from Saturday, January 03, 2009 8:21:36 PM)| |  | Darth_Painkiller_0870 wrote: | | Men's Merit/Demerit Guide
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are deducted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES:
You make the bed. +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows. 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. –1
You leave the toilet seat up. –5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty. 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex. –1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom. –2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings. +5
In the snow. +8
But return with beer. –5
And no liners. –25
You check out a suspicious noise at night. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. +5
You pummel it with a six iron. +10
It's her cat. –40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party. 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy. –2
Named Tiffany. –4
Tiffany is a dancer. –10
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday. 0
You buy a card and flowers. 0
You take her out to dinner. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar. +1
Okay, it is a sports bar. –2
And it's all-you-can-eat night. –3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. –10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal. 0
The pal is happily married. +1
The pal is single. –7
He drives a Ferrari. –10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED). –15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie. +2
You take her to a movie she likes. +4
You take her to a movie you hate. +6
You take her to a movie you like. –2
It's called Death Cop III. –3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans. –9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. –15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly. –15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it. +10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. –30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." -500
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding. –10
You reply, "Where?" -35
You reply, "No, I think it's your butt." -100
Any other response. –20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression. 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes. +5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience. +50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "Well, what do you think I should do?" -100
You have fallen asleep. –200
IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk. –100
You don't talk. –150
You spend time with her. –200
You don't spend time with her. –500
You seem to be enjoying yourself. –1000
Game Over - YOU LOSE. |
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| [Head banger] Saturday, January 03, 2009 11:42:49 PM | |
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it would be funny if it wasnt so true!!!
[Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by Darth_Painkiller_0870 from Saturday, January 03, 2009 8:21:36 PM)| | | Darth_Painkiller_0870 wrote: | | Men's Merit/Demerit Guide
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are deducted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES:
You make the bed. +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows. 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. –1
You leave the toilet seat up. –5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty. 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex. –1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom. –2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings. +5
In the snow. +8
But return with beer. –5
And no liners. –25
You check out a suspicious noise at night. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. +5
You pummel it with a six iron. +10
It's her cat. –40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party. 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy. –2
Named Tiffany. –4
Tiffany is a dancer. –10
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday. 0
You buy a card and flowers. 0
You take her out to dinner. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar. +1
Okay, it is a sports bar. –2
And it's all-you-can-eat night. –3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. –10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal. 0
The pal is happily married. +1
The pal is single. –7
He drives a Ferrari. –10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED). –15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie. +2
You take her to a movie she likes. +4
You take her to a movie you hate. +6
You take her to a movie you like. –2
It's called Death Cop III. –3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans. –9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. –15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly. –15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it. +10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. –30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." -500
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding. –10
You reply, "Where?" -35
You reply, "No, I think it's your butt." -100
Any other response. –20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression. 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes. +5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience. +50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "Well, what do you think I should do?" -100
You have fallen asleep. –200
IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk. –100
You don't talk. –150
You spend time with her. –200
You don't spend time with her. –500
You seem to be enjoying yourself. –1000
Game Over - YOU LOSE. |
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| [~ MG_Metalgoddess~] Saturday, January 03, 2009 8:32:30 PM | |
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LOL thats a good one!
[Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by Darth_Painkiller_0870 from Saturday, January 03, 2009 8:21:36 PM)| | | Darth_Painkiller_0870 wrote: | | Men's Merit/Demerit Guide
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are deducted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES:
You make the bed. +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows. 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. –1
You leave the toilet seat up. –5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty. 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex. –1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom. –2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings. +5
In the snow. +8
But return with beer. –5
And no liners. –25
You check out a suspicious noise at night. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. +5
You pummel it with a six iron. +10
It's her cat. –40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party. 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy. –2
Named Tiffany. –4
Tiffany is a dancer. –10
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday. 0
You buy a card and flowers. 0
You take her out to dinner. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar. +1
Okay, it is a sports bar. –2
And it's all-you-can-eat night. –3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. –10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal. 0
The pal is happily married. +1
The pal is single. –7
He drives a Ferrari. –10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED). –15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie. +2
You take her to a movie she likes. +4
You take her to a movie you hate. +6
You take her to a movie you like. –2
It's called Death Cop III. –3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans. –9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. –15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly. –15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it. +10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. –30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." -500
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding. –10
You reply, "Where?" -35
You reply, "No, I think it's your butt." -100
Any other response. –20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression. 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes. +5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience. +50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "Well, what do you think I should do?" -100
You have fallen asleep. –200
IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk. –100
You don't talk. –150
You spend time with her. –200
You don't spend time with her. –500
You seem to be enjoying yourself. –1000
Game Over - YOU LOSE. |
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| [Return_of_Darth_Painkiller_0870] Saturday, January 03, 2009 8:21:36 PM | |
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Men's Merit/Demerit Guide
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are deducted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES:
You make the bed. +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows. 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. –1
You leave the toilet seat up. –5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty. 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex. –1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom. –2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings. +5
In the snow. +8
But return with beer. –5
And no liners. –25
You check out a suspicious noise at night. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. +5
You pummel it with a six iron. +10
It's her cat. –40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party. 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy. –2
Named Tiffany. –4
Tiffany is a dancer. –10
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday. 0
You buy a card and flowers. 0
You take her out to dinner. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar. +1
Okay, it is a sports bar. –2
And it's all-you-can-eat night. –3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. –10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal. 0
The pal is happily married. +1
The pal is single. –7
He drives a Ferrari. –10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED). –15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie. +2
You take her to a movie she likes. +4
You take her to a movie you hate. +6
You take her to a movie you like. –2
It's called Death Cop III. –3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans. –9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. –15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly. –15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it. +10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. –30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." -500
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding. –10
You reply, "Where?" -35
You reply, "No, I think it's your butt." -100
Any other response. –20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression. 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes. +5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience. +50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "Well, what do you think I should do?" -100
You have fallen asleep. –200
IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk. –100
You don't talk. –150
You spend time with her. –200
You don't spend time with her. –500
You seem to be enjoying yourself. –1000
Game Over - YOU LOSE. |
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| [Bev] Wednesday, December 31, 2008 1:07:23 PM | |
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| [Roger_ Blade] Wednesday, December 31, 2008 11:14:33 AM | |
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Both of you shut up!
jummyjames
adrianaec-88 |
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| [jimmyjames] Wednesday, December 31, 2008 12:44:55 AM | |
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| Bush looks like he's about to blow someone in a couple of those photos. |
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| [adrianaec_88] Monday, December 29, 2008 10:33:40 AM | |
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LMAO!!! |
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| [jimmyjames] Sunday, December 28, 2008 2:22:11 AM | |
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| Yesterday I saw a dwarf, that was funny. |
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| [Justin Kenny] Monday, December 22, 2008 12:22:41 PM | |
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| It's probably already been posted on a link or talked about already...but I only saw it last week during my vacation for the first time..so..forgive me if this is old news...but boy howdy....I laughed like my feet were being tickled when I saw footage highlights of the year 2008, and that one dude was throwing his shoes at President Bush.......oh man....that shit took the ever-lovin' cake!!! I'd never seen a President have to duck and weave like that....I found it too damn funny.... |
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| [jimmyjames] Monday, December 22, 2008 5:17:15 AM | |
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| Today I asked a five year old to pick a cd out of the many I have for us to listen to. He picked Priests Hell Bent For Leather. Great choice. Later I asked a three year old to do the same thing, the first cd she picked out was Stay Hungry by Twisted Sister. As soon as she saw that picture of Dee Snyder on the cover she put it straight back and grabbed another one. I think Dee scared her. |
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| [hellrider 31038] Sunday, December 21, 2008 3:56:32 PM | |
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when i am riding my bicycle through a snow storm like we got friday and people scream at me GET OFF THE ROAD YOU DARN IDIOT
Edited at: Sunday, December 21, 2008 3:56:58 PM |
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| [~ MG_Metalgoddess~] Saturday, December 13, 2008 1:28:38 PM | |
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Bahhhhhh... I love it!!!!! Thanks for making me smile!!!! & Laugh...≈
[Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by Head banger from Saturday, December 13, 2008 12:03:56 PM)| | | Head banger wrote: | | My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the
channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust'
And then the fight started...
=========================================================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
=========================================================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started...
=========================================================
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair.. She said, 'That silver hair on your
chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
=========================================================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
=========================================================
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the
road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how
sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it ... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
=========================================================
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to
me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something
else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf -
always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I
arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I
was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as
well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person
is always right, and the other is the husband.
|
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| [blackshadow] Saturday, December 13, 2008 12:09:20 PM | |
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| I saw a clip on youtube the other day that had me rolling around on the floor. It was an interview by one of our ellustrious ministers and in mid sentence, he just vanished off the screen as his chair gave way under him. - ROFL. |
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| [Head banger] Saturday, December 13, 2008 12:03:56 PM | |
|
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the
channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust'
And then the fight started...
=========================================================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
=========================================================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started...
=========================================================
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair.. She said, 'That silver hair on your
chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
=========================================================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
=========================================================
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the
road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how
sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it ... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
=========================================================
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to
me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something
else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf -
always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I
arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I
was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as
well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person
is always right, and the other is the husband.
|
|
| [Head banger] Sunday, December 07, 2008 11:01:50 PM | |
|
This is old, but #25 has come true now
If Microsoft Built Cars
At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "if GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors made the following contribution to the debate:
"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason, You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the car windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd accept this too.
5. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
6. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bout a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.
7. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
8. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower.
9. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
10. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.
11. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft petrol and lubricants but the packaging would be superb.
12. New seats would force everyone to have the same size arse.
13. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
14. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
15. They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 1 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.
16. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.
17. Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes.Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.
18. Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't own anyroads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free,including IBM.
19. If you still ran old versions of car (ie. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11),then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive muchfaster, and on more roads!
20. If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrowyour friends, and then copy it.
21. Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignitionfor a few days before it worked.
22. You would need to buy an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each other.
23. Every time Microsoft introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
24. Microsoft would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Automobile Association Road maps (now a Microsoft subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
- You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
|
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| [devils_child] Wednesday, November 26, 2008 7:39:53 PM | |
|
Me just before work...
|
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| [hellrider 31038] Wednesday, November 26, 2008 7:11:03 PM | |
|
| i scared a lady friend at work today and she screamed |
|
